“We only pass everything by
like a transposition of air.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke
I have always heard about how unpredictable life is but I didn’t really get that until recently.
Everything is ephemeral.
To me, this means many things.
Grab whatever is enjoyable and positive when you find it: opportunities, friendships, adventures. Enjoy whatever you have when you have it.
Don’t freak out when darkness strikes, it also is ephemeral. Anyway, the sun will rise after the rain………
Nightmares…cold sweat…heartbeats’ acceleration…. I am living my pains through my sleep.
My subconscious intensifies my reality and my sleep becomes unbearable.
I wake up shaken and oh so shocked. Confusion strikes and I blame myself for not yet being over that phase.
I am in dire need of some comfort, just a hug- one hug could reassure me but I look around and find nobody- bitter reminder that I am alone. ALONE!
I seek solace in my pillows as if their warmth could replace any human consolation. Delusion! I fall apart crying then I try to fight the rebel tears pouring out….
Hopeless, I stand up, face my reality and go on…in pieces but alive…
Unsheltered- as if I was standing in the rain, having to deal with the cold, the loneliness, the storm with no handy shelter where I can protect myself. Feeling lost, left alone and hopeless. Tears of panic strike and I let go of myself…
Emprisoned in a bottle- as If I was a mouse stuck into a bottle, staring at the way out but not able to reach it no matter how hard it tries. Seeing one hundred solutions to my problems, yet unable to make it through them successfully. Feeling useless, limited and worthless. After too many failed tries, I resign myself to such a fate…
Odd- as if I was a Chicklets tablet in the midst of teeth. Same shape, same color yet totally different. I am Myself and the world surrounding me is Itself and we have no jonction, leaving me with the feeling of being inconvenient, set at the wrong place, evolving in the improper area. I cannot fulfill myself and adhere to their world at the same time. Yet, I need to achieve the two of them to be happy…
I am a failure- No matter what I do or say or strive for, the bottom line is always the fact that I LOOK like a success but I AM a failure. I feel like an incomplete assignment, a could-be something, a waste………
Today is one of those bad days written with a big B.
One of those days, you slept Bad, you woke up Bad, your morn was Bad, your morning was Bad, your noon is Bad and you foresee nothing better than Bad.
You look Bad and you feel Bad. Bad reigns, Bad is the key word. Bad still the crowns to Better, to Beautiful, to Be happy and all you can feel and see is Bad.
You just Boldly take action to fight Bad until you feel Better…
Sorry! I notice you have changed, and you are changing both in good and bad ways. And your negative alteration affects me.
I understand you are in deep pain- that’s part of growing an adult and that’s also part of living- but I don’t want this to kill the cheerful, enthusiastic, friendly and happy You you used to be.
For the moment, I have to let you go through the grieving phase but I am determined not to let you drown. I will make you rise from your ashes, I will help you turn your pain into a power. I want to get the best version of yourself.
I know you are afraid and lost but don’t be! You will see how time heals. Eventually, your scars will remain but you CAN make them a strength.
Take it easy Ninie! You’ve won battles already, you CAN and you WILL win this one too! Come on!
Before and beside you stand your God, your family, your friends and all the other people Jehovah uses to bless you and help you make it. If they are standing for you and with you, strive, fight and stand for yourself also. Nobody can be youer than You!
I miss the crazy and fun You. I miss your being a fighter. I miss the You who fell in love with your own self and loved yourself. Rise! Rise! Rise again!
You have all the weapons you need to fight and win. Onward Buddy!
You will survive and you will live again!
Here am I at the end of the line, waiting for the winning You to get back to life!
How do I celibate when you still exist
How do I fall for whoever else when you are still alive
Here am I clogged between these two seemingly impossibilities.
My heart and soul are too filled with memories
Memories of your arms, your warm and your presence
Memories of how agreeable and terrible love is
For me to be able to enjoy a healthy singleness.
You’ve totally imprinted my soul
You’ve done me too good and too bad
You’ve filled me with too much sweet and too much bitter
For me to be able to dare try to love again.
You are unbearable yet irreplaceable
You’ve done wrong but have done good too
Caught tightly in this confusing between
I am wondering how do I go on
Go on forever alone or with somebody else
Go on without you and without anyone else
Go on without you but with someone else
How do I?