I find myself weird and impossible in some regards.

Example- In relationship

I feel sad when things are not going okay.  I feel troubled when things are going all right. The ideal attracts me but only the real makes me secure although it disturbs.  When I refer to ideal or real, I mean happiness/peace/ and trouble/problem/chaos.

 The ideal is what you enjoy, what makes you happy, what makes you feel quiet and fully okay.  But, I am afraid of it because not only is it rare but it is ephemeral-very temporary. And what I hate about it’s being momentary, it is the fast transition from it to the real: what saddens you, hurts you, make you feel troubled and envy the peace of the dead ones.  People have learned to live with the two of them to keep the balance. As for myself, I just can’t make it.  I am a +00 or -00 person, how do I get to 0? Sigh!

So, when my boyfriend romances me, treats me right and shows care for me, I am somehow reluctant to let go-I am afraid to just enjoy it all and be happy because I know it will not last and I will be hurt very soon and it will be sudden.  The fear of being disappointed blocked me from being happy.  On the other hand, when he hurts me, gets in trouble with me, I wish he were nice, caring, and considerate.  Either way, the bottom line is: I am unhappy. 

I describe the feeling, but I don’t know what it is and worse-how to solve it.  Totally confused.


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